There are 2 things I can’t believe.  Firstly, that we’ve never done this before.  Secondly, that Nigel Farage is anywhere close to being the biggest wanker of this action-packed week.  But since it’s so difficult to choose which bit of the previously unsighted three-headed monster, known locally as “Cleggibanderon”, which has descended on Scotland is actually worse, I’ve settled for finally inducting the purple-header monster instead.

Nigel’s visits to the North are usually messy affairs but I get a feeling this time may be slightly different.  While people may well form a seething mob and turn his trip into a flurry of rainbows, glitter and saltires, pour bottles of Bru over his gaggle and chase him into a pub shouting “SCUM! SCUM! SCUM!”, I suspect they’re mostly a bit busy working to finally rid ourselves of not just Farage but all the rancid monsters of the British political class, who are now encamping in our midst.

So while I’ve got no right to stop anyone protesting, I’ll be honest and say that for just this one time, I’d like to say…WELCOME TO SCOTLAND NIGEL and PLEASE CAN THE BBC MAKE SURE THEY GIVE UKIP THE AIRTIME THEY SO BADLY NEED.



While he’s certainly not immune from bigoted outbursts, his main strategy has been to let his members do the talking for him and then sack them for it.  Nonethless as is customary, here are some of the biggest scunnerers as a handy reminder of what a shitebag he is:

  • He doesn’t even kid on about not being rampantly Islamophobic , saying Muslims who “wanted to take us over” weren’t welcome in the UK.  He suggested the UK should accept refugees from Syria…as long as they were Christians and his party has strong links with notorious Islam basher, Geert Wilders.
  • Nigel said women who have babies were “worth less” as he defended the gender pay gap.
  • Among his various homophobic “gems” was his revelation that homophobia is apparently fine if you’re old and nasty Nigel was a keen campaigner against equal Marriage which he attempted to encourage old Tory bigots into his ranks.
  • As well as having to cheek to insist independence campaigners were “racists” and the entire idea is predicated on “anti-Englishness” (yawn), Nigel unleashed a purge of his pesky Scottish party and imposed former London organiser, David Coburn as their top Euro candidate.  UKIP Scotland went rogue for a bit which was admittedly hilarious.  It wasn’t a very nice rogue though, in fact it appeared to be mainly Lord Monckton, the guy who coined the phrase “subsidy junkies” for Scots during his time working for Thatcher.

UKIP out on the stump for the No campaign

  • Farage has pioneered the a new far right faction in the European Parliament, involving someone who was elected as a member of the French National Front, a white supremacist Swedish party set up by a Waffen SS member and various other honking racists, fascists and general wankstains.

But the main problem isn’t the things he’s said or even the company he keeps but just how close this man is to power and what that might mean, if we don’t make sure we deliver a Yes vote and get as far away from Britain’s rapidly crumbling establishment as fast as we can.  The never-ending austerity and its associated jingoism is fertile territory for Nigel’s golliwogs and driving gloves brand of racism.   Politicians are boring as fuck, so the Beeb love Nige with his pint and his fag, pumping out a soundbite, and the incredibly uncritical coverage given over to him before the Euro elections was little short of a national travesty.  But to understand UKIP as merely a good attempt at collecting right wingers and racists is not to understand it.  UKIP tap into something much bigger, a complete disillusionment with a political class in Westminster who have stopped even pretending to care.  In many ways, we sympathise entirely with that sentiment.  There are just 2 very different visions at play here.


UKIP’s Coburn with Lib Dem cabinet minister Danny Alexander… [photo via Newsnet Scotland]

UKIP are on the rise down South and while we’ve not been spared the worst excesses, they won’t be winning any first past the post seats for Westminster constituencies in Scotland any time soon/ever.  Yet we are less than a month away from having our first UKIP MP, with Tory defector and the “bravest man in politics” Douglas Carswell (who sorry?) looking on course to be re-elected in a by-election on a UKIP ticket.  This could be the thin end of the wedge, as Tories in constituencies who’re scared they might turn purple  decide to turn purple themselves.   With bugger all else to do, the BBC can create another self-fulfilling prophecy and constantly speculate about how many seats UKIP will get (HINT: that will depend how many times you ask the question).  That means there is a genuine possibility that a whole array of Farages will be filling the chamber and our airwaves with endless hate and pointless nonsense about bendy bananas, gay floods and whatever else, all a handy sideshow while the other parties say  “we may be punching you in the face but at least we’re not them.”

What UKIP claim to want for Scotland is somewhat of a moveable feast – having spent the last decade calling for the Scottish Parliament to be abolished, Farage has done a complete about turn this week and even talked about “federalism”.  This appears to be some vague form of devo max plus massive budget cuts.  Whether the rest of UKIP is suddenly so enthusiastic about a “new constitutional settlement”, we’re less than sure but we can say we confidence that they’ll be just as keen as Farage to slash Scotland’s budget while continuing to collect our tax revenues.

Then there is the nightmare scenario, we could end up with a Parliament in which UKIP holds the balance of power. Even if we don’t, what effect will UKIP have on Scotland’s “new powers” which we unveiled and then un-unveiled over the weekend?  Apart from being not new, not Government policy, no-one agreeing what they are and them being promised by 3 political leaders, at least 2 of whom will get bumped after the election anyway, there will also be our new UKIP bloc to contend with.  Yer average backbencher, terrified of being derided for giving more STUFF to the Scots will just…not.  An MP in Essex is more likely to give a fuck about losing votes in Essex than in Easterhouse, it really is that simple. The future “settlement” for Scotland in the event of a No vote will be negotiated in the Westminster backrooms, between feirty Labour and Tory MPs, dancing to UKIP’s ever changing tune.


Or we could decide we trust ourselves more than we trust any of them.  We could say that we are angry –  not at those who want to come and call Scotland home but at those who’re now trying to “terrify” us by saying they don’t intend on sticking around to make a profit in an independent Scotland.   We could build a Scotland where woman are not “worth less” and where we blame environmental destruction on those destroying the climate, not on men kissing each other.  We could speak directly to those across the whole of Britain who’re taken in by UKIP – and to those across Europe who’re battling the far-right – and stand as a beacon of what a better, fairer country actually looks like.  What Nigel and the Nos fear most isn’t Scotland failing, it’s Scotland succeeding.  That’s why they are scared.

So while he’s definitely not the biggest wanker this week, he has been a very naughty boy.  And to be honest, we were running out of time to induct him, given that by this time next week he may no longer be part of our political class.   UKIP if you want to, Scotland’s waking up and we won’t be sleepwalked into Farageland by men wearing red rosettes.



Further reading:

UKIP’s purple reign doesn’t stop at the border

Meet UKIP Scotland’s Nigel of the North



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One response to “WEEKLY WANKER #039: NIGEL FARAGE

  1. Pingback: UKIP England, but we are wide awake. | banjoking·

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