It’s here at last! After 9 long months of speculation, we finally have an answer to that burning question.  Kate’s given birth and it’s a….baby!!


If you think its unfair to call an individual not yet a day old a wanker, then consider this – this greeting, squashed faced wee creature is already the 4th most powerful person in the land.  It will be paid to do whatever it likes at our expense for its entire life.  Is that fair?  Is it fuck.

The media have been camped outside the hospital for weeks, just yesterday complaining that they were “starting” to run out of things to say. The bizarre modern spectre of rolling news media joined the same press who chased the brat’s granny to her death attempting to snap a few pictures for their hastily abandoned “Queen of Harlots kisses brown man” centrefold, but we digress. Having no actual news to cover hasn’t stopped the press from engaging in feverous flights of fantasy and constant speculation.  What gender would it be?  What would it be called?  Which of Kate‘s designer dresses would it boak down first?


“Prince Charles”

The Daily Mail topped the bollocks charts (as always) with a wondrous photo shoot featuring a massive (clearly not newborn) baby, a pink furry crown and a ginger guy who looked more like Charles Kennedy than Prince Charles.  When it wasn’t “reconstructing” things that haven’t happened yet it was dazzling us with CGI models of what royal wean will definitely look like in 10/20/30 years time.


A Thousand Flowers can exclusively reveal what future King might look like

Even the Queen was beginning to grow impatient.  On a recent visit to Cumbria, in between accepting gifts from peasants, she remarked that Kate should just hurry because she was going on holiday.  We can’t grudge Lizzy her annual Scottish break, what with her busy schedule of smiling, waving and half-inching people’s carry outs – “She was thrilled with the damson gin and said she would be keeping that for herself” one local subject remarked as the Queen toddled off with her booze.


Is that Kate on that canal?

While Betty was stocking up on the Rose and Gin, the Great British public were being treated to a bit of Rosie & Jim over at the BBC (who still had no news). Mr & Mrs Norman Bates had sailed a bunting covered narrowboat for 2 whole days in the hope of seeing the baby.  The improbability that Kate would choose to give birth on the banks of the river was clearly no deterrent, such is the Great British spirit.  Keen to demonstrate just how much of a fuck we all clearly give, the BBC chose to highlight the potential new arrival with a photo of… people in suits drinking coffee.  Just in case you wondered what they might look like on the day our future heir may or may not have been born.


Office workers greeted the news by talking on their phones and drinking coffee

All this fawning has given us some insight into the kind of life the wean can expect. No stable for this messiah, instead a £5000-a-night room in the exclusive Lindo Wing at St. Mary’s Hospital. Wills & Kate will be able to toast their new arrival with one of the many wines from their extensive list.  We will, of course be picking up the tab. Chin Chin!

It’s only fair that the taxpayer should foot the bill, what with Kate coming from such a humble family.  Kate’s uncle is understood to be eying up a gold rocking elephant, at a mere £70,000. Tough times in Austerity Britain. But in the grand scheme of things it’s not Kate’s family who are the problem.


We had a mop-pole with a horse’s heid

Just in case anyone’s getting a bit saft and wondering why we’re all hatin’ on the Royalz, let’s have a quickfire round up of the Top 5 Reasons the Royal Family are a Bunch of Shitbags:

1. They are fucking expensive. You know those daily stories of DEVIL INCARNATE BENEFIT SCROUNGERS? Like, ohmyfuckinggod they’ve got a flatscreen tv but they’re GETTING ALL THE GIROS? Well whilst almost four million of the UK’s most vulnerable individuals will see huge cuts to their incomes due to the Tories’ despicable assault on Disability Living Allowance, and families living in poverty are taxed for having more than a shoebox to live in, there was still a spare £33million in the coffers to sponsor the UK’s most useless family through the tough times of 2012. Of course £33m is just the money we directly give them, they cost us much, much more. CHIEF BENEFIT SCROUNGERS. Take their TVs and burn them.

pureterror2. They basically want you to fuck off and let them be rich on your cash. Despite digging pretty deep into the public purse, the Royals dinnae want you to know anything about what they get up to with your hard-earned cash whilst you live payday to payday at best and struggle to feed your kids at worst. In 2011 the Royals were granted an absolute right to secrecy, exempting them from all Freedom of Information requests. So whilst all those public bodies our pound supports are required to be transparent and accountable to the people, the Royal Family have to do fuck all, *even* when the information requested would be in the public interest to be released. Basically, that means that if you’re chronically ill or disabled you have to trek to an assessment centre to tell a virtual stranger the details of your incontinence to prove you’re worth £50 a week, the Royal Family are off (probably) making bonfires out of tenners but WE’LL NEVER KNOW.

3. They’re not even secretly racist. Remember Harry’s “hilarious” Nazi fancy dress get-up? His “aw but he was just messin’ wi his pal” Rag Head comments? How about Prince Philip’s hilarious “gaffes” (as The Telegraph would like you to dismiss them as) including the proclamation whilst touring an Edinburgh factory that a fuse box looked so crude that it must have been “installed by an Indian”?

4. Their very existence sustains elitism on every level. No need for extensive class divisions lecturing here but when Eton College and Gordonstoun are the go-to schools for the UK’s Head of State, it’s not hard to see why state education across the UK is deemed unworthy of investment – financial or aspirational – in communities across the UK. Why have a belief in your local community or in diversity of children’s environments when state education is persistently and aggressively dismissed as the place nobody with any money sends little Tobias? Want to know why people like Katie Hopkins exist? Just look at the classist elitism peddled directly by the UK’s most “celebrated” family.

5. So yes, the Royals have obscene privileges when it comes to all of the above. They live their tortured lives in a public bubble, bumbling around making racist comments, occasionally shooting a few foreigns, and parading about in military regalia. They uphold a rigid class structure and cost us a fortune, but they’re ours and we wouldn’t want it any other way. Cause it’s all  just a bit of harmless fun really, right?

Alas, the role of the Royal Family is slightly more complicated. In reality they’re the human face of the incredibly undemocratic Crown Powers, which sit at the heart of the British political system. The Crown Powers represent the British, and indeed Commonwealth, deep state – that is, extraparliamentary powers ingrained within sections of the establishment, that can be used to override parliamentary or popular structures when the occasion arises. And even our parliamentary powers are conferred on the Government of the day by the Crown, rather than their mandate coming from the people – as is the case in actual representative democracies, which is why we have the absurd rituals of the monarch opening Parliament and the Prime Minister taking weekly visits to the Queen. To take some examples from the past few decades, the Crown Powers have been used for things including banning civil servants at GCHQ from joining unions, mobilising troops to break the firefighters’ strike in 2002 and making the decision to declare war on a sovereign country – Iraq – without seeking parliamentary approval.

Any openness around this is strongly resisted by the government and the monarchy. The Guardian had to go through lengthy court proceedings before papers exposing the true extent of the Royal veto were released, which eventually happened earlier this year. The documents exposed that the Queen directly intervened in 1999 to prevent the powers to declare war transferring from the Monarch to Parliament, while both herself and Prince Charles have meddled with and had their approval sought on dozens of other bills over the past few decades. Some democracy… and there’s more! The monarch can also dismiss any government they wish, for any reason, at any time. Surely they would never use such powers? Well, they did. In Australia in 1975, the Queen’s Governor General summarily dismissed the mildly reformist Labor Prime Minister and appointed the leader of opposition as caretaker PM, allegedly to ‘maintain stability’. Could such a thing happen in Britain? It’s long been alleged that such plans did exist during the similarly mildly reformist Labour government of Harold Wilson. This is the British deep state, and tonight it’s latest smiling, screaming, parasite face eventually arrived with us.

The Royals aren’t going to piss off of their own accord, we’ll have to make them. It’s beyond bizarre to think that we could even envisage building the kind of society that can shake off the undemocratic shackles of stupid traditions like ritualistic voting for Labour or the Tories (or anyone else who doesn’t give a flying fuck about actual people just because that’s the done thing) if we can’t also picture ourselves working in a clause to our potential future constitution that says ‘eh naw, some weird old posh family can’t hold ultimate power over our political system or have any of our money actually’.



Now we like a good beheading as much as anyone but it seems like it’d be simpler to just state loudly and plainly that Dirty won’t be having that in this house and get them to fuck. If we want that to happen though we need to start being more brutally honest about what a bunch of heid the baws the Royalist media and general public are being about this couple and this baby. Let’s actually put it out there that not everyone is falling for this cute-n-modern Royals shtick – we can create our own alternative media. Otherwise nice and normal people fall for this shite so hard, such is the power of the popular image of this new (in)breed of Royals as, like, so totally relatable and interesting. It’s a deliberate tactic to get us to consent to their continued abuse of unearned power and resources – the Queen never had to appear relatable because she is of a generation that were forced to respect unearned privilege. We don’t need to put up with that and neither do we need to be patronised with the modern pretence that these rich, privileged, imperialist relics are *just like us*. This baby’s life will be nothing like the lives of the 43% of kids in the North East of Glasgow living in poverty. But its lifestyle will be funded at their expense.

If we want to be shitebags about it we can take the SNP’s route and tell people that independence won’t be scary and different and we’ll even still have the Queen and stuff. Or we can demand that things ARE different, because it’s not good enough that women who are going hungry to feed their children are being slandered on a daily basis as scroungers while we’re paying for these munters to wet this baby’s head with Bollinger.

Now would be a really good time for Kim and Kanye to drop some baby photos and overshadow this pointless little cunt.


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6 responses to “WEEKLY WANKER #014: THE ROYAL WEAN

  1. Fantastic piece! But I’d take issue with one point: the baby’s life won’t just be unlike the 43% of children living in poverty: it’ll be unlike all the other 99% of children anywhere in the UK. A totally useless parasite and an opportunity for Cameron to come over all patriotic. Bleurghh..

    • Time for the republican vote is after independence.Lets just obtain our rights as a nation first then we can liberate us all from the backward thinking that you are born with a right to shit on people.

  2. Pingback: A Wean’s A Wean For A’ That – Scottish Roundup·

  3. The royals actually cost nearly £300 million a year. The £36 million figure, as it now is, which the palace gives out does not include security and other costs to the public purse such as the lost revenues of the Duchies of Cornwall and Lancaster. Plunder.

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