Ever since Clyde the Thistle awkwardly dangled onto the scene last September, unveiled as the terrifying human-thistle hybrid, sorry ‘gallus, Glaswegian’, face of the 2014 Commonwealth Games, speculation has been rife as to his true origins. Where did did this peculiar man-Thistle come from? What is he made of? Does he talk? And if so, what… Thistle language? Is he really a plant? And can he really fly? (more on this theory later)
Games organisers may say he originates in the dreams (nightmares, surely) of a 12 year old schoolgirl from Cumbernauld, while a fantastical video narrated by Billy Connolly has his story beginning with a sailor who sailed around all the Commonwealth nations planting jaggy wee thistles in every country he visited. Upon his return to Scotland, the story goes, one of them inexplicably grows into a man somewhere on the outskirts of Glasgow…. are you buying this? I’m not buying this.
Convinced that there must be far more to Clyde the Thistly Man than first meets the eye, I set off on a mission to discover the truth. After literally hours of investigation I can now reveal my exclusive findings and theories, all of them based on FACTS and SCIENCE:
1. CLYDE IS A MUTANT THISTLE BORN OF TOXIC WASTE
Okay, so suppose we take the sanitised Billy Connolly version of events at face value. Some colonial Captain throwback decides to go on a journey – by sea – around ‘the Commonwealth’, planting a thistle in each country as he goes bla bla bla. To be fair, planting alien species is probably among the lesser crimes of Britain’s imperialist ventures, so I’ll let that pass for now. He then returns home and next to some loch he digs in his last remaining Thistle, naming it ‘Clyde’, which then ‘wishes’ itself into growing human-like features. Like an embittered villain from some dodgy Western, Clyde finds himself an outcast from human society, stuck beside a lake on the outer limits of civilisation, as he gazes on at the Glasgow skyline in the distance. He begins plotting his revenge.
Hold on… a loch near Glasgow? The Commonwealth Games? A mysterious anthropomorphic transformation in the dead of night? These clues point to only one thing – Clyde originates in the Glasgow 2014 TOXIC LOCH! As it happens, Strathclyde Loch in North Lanarkshire, set to be used for outdoor swimming events at next year’s games, has had to undergo a £1.2m clean up operation after becoming contaminated by toxic algae. The kind of toxic algae that would cause an unassuming globe-trotting thistle to undergo a rapid Frankenstein reinvention? The answer to that question is almost certainly probably yes.
Suffice to say the Big Yin’s video never offers an explanation on whether the rest of the Thistles that so-called ‘Captain Bristle’ dots around the globe also turn into mutant plant-men, so we can only speculate as whether marauding gangs of Clydes are currently terrorising communities across the world (call it Scotland’s colonial legacy). Closer to home, news that mounds of toxic soil have been left lying in wasteground near the Commonwealth Games Village is fuelling speculation that Clyde may be raising an army of Thistle men to wage Day of the Triffids style vengeance on their human oppressors.
2. CLYDE IS THE LEADER OF A SATANIC CULT
Startling new evidence uncovered by A Thousand Flowers is raising fears that Glasgow 2014 ‘Thistle man’ mascot Clyde may in fact be the leader of an hitherto little known Satanic death cult. Questions are now being asked as to the true nature of Clyde the Man-Thistle’s agenda, as the mascot gears up for a year of attending local fêtes, posing with mid-level executives from the Games’ corporate sponsors, satanic ceremonies and ritual sacrifice. As clearly evidenced on the front cover of Scotrail’s in-train publication Insight, Clyde is actually a winged demon, his friendly demeanour a cover for his obsession with the occult. Why else would Clyde need a megaphone, if not for barking instructions as he begins his reign of globalist Illuminati terror? Is Clyde’s green skin actually evidence of him being a reptilian? What’s the true meaning of the pyramid structure which sits behind Clyde on the magazine cover? Was his attendance at Bohemian Grove last month a coincidence? Will Beyonce be playing the Games opening ceremony? We don’t have all the answers – but it’s time the Glasgow 2014 Organising Committee do start answering these pressing questions.
3. HOW MANY MORE MUST DIE?
Sometimes a picture speaks a thousand words. Or perhaps a thousand screams would be more appropriate, with this Times frontpage indicating that Clyde’s killing spree has already began. With his first victim claimed, how many more must die before this jaggy maniac is brought to justice?
The Truth Is Out There. Clyde, We’re onto you.
Having a thistle mascot named Clyde is like having a ranger mascot named Celtic. Clearly gcc care nothing for the history of Glasgow. Ftof. Ftnf.