If anyone knows about the perils of being a tad too far to the left, it’s A Thousand Flowers. So with all the pundits/bitter siblings declaring the Labour Party are now “too left wing” to be electable, we offer a few handy tips to make sure Labour are never confused for a left wing party again.
1. Tell millions you don’t want their votes
Who needs the millions when you’ve got the millionaires? Not the party for WORKING people anyway. “We are not the party of people on benefits. We don’t want to be seen, and we’re not, the party to represent those who are out of work” declared Rachel Reeves. It’s important to remember that the kind of people who’re on benefits or unemployed will probably always vote Labour anyway, like they definitely all did on Thursday.
2. Instead of abolishing things, reduce them by a third
Everything in moderation. If it worked for our pledge on tuition fees, why not the 2/3rds of a Bedroom Tax? 2/3rds of a zero hours contract seems like just the right balance between flexibility and a steady income. And with all these extra thirds of zero hours going spare, there won’t be anyone out of work for Labour to not represent…everyone’s a winner!
3. Unless those things are nuclear weapons
The impending threat of nuclear annihilation is very popular with swing voters.
4. Keep supporting austerity
Since there was far too much radical redistribution of wealth during Labour’s last reign, like when they bailed out the banks and sold off public assets on the cheap, the only moderate thing to do is to make sure the poor now pay their fair share by constantly cutting everything. Ultra-leftists like Ed Balls attacked “ideologically driven cuts” and we all know what happened to him…
5. Immigration, Immigration, Immigration
The last Labour Government lurched to the left on immigration, with hand holding rhetoric about “British jobs for British workers” and were clearly far too lenient when it came to the way they detained and deported thousands of people. During this election, the Labour Party produced a mug celebration their commitment to controls on immigration but why stop there? Nothing says “centre ground” like dedicating a whole tea party to how much you love controlling immigration.
6. Say you’re not that bothered if the Tories get in
When pressed as to whether you’d rather be Prime Minister or let the Tories back in, be gracious and moderate and say you’d rather have Tories than work with anyone else. Picking sides just isn’t very aspirational.
7. Tristram Hunt/Chuka Umunna as leader
Either would be fine. So long as they don’t get rid of Jim Murphy, he’s doing a great job.
With their core support isolated once and for all, Labour can finally claim the successful middle ground. If this election proved anything, it’s that the person in the centre always wins.