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8th May 2015:

10:40: Right. We. Are. Done.

Scotland’s votes never matter at Westminster and tonight was no different, we have a Tory Government with no mandate, still.

BUT….
We have a 100% success rate in our “target seats.”
100% of Weekly Wankers failed to be elected.

We’re claiming a landslide for A Thousand Flowers.  Thank you for joining us – now get some sleep before the mutiny.

10:35: Worth staying up for over 12 hours for. YAAAAAASSSSS!

10:26: “We’ve not just been rejected in Scotland.”  Even Alistair Campbell cannae spin Labour’s failure.

10:13: We’ve passed the 12 hour mark….

10:09: One Thanet down (North), one Thanet to go (South).

10:04: If every single Scottish seat was Labour, David Cameron would still be walking into Downing Street this morning.  The message to Scotland is, as usual, #voteanyonegettories

09:53: The Queen was “greatly exorcised during the referendum.”  Or “purring” as it’s known to the commoners.

09:48: “Changing the leader hasn’t seem to work” says Jack McConnell.  To be honest, he’s looking like a plausible choice right now.

09:42: Cameron: “We held on in Scotland.”  To what?

09:41: Milibandwaggon wheels to be taken off imminently.

09:38: If the voting age was 12, the #milifandom could have swung this.  All the more reason to make it so.

09:32: Leanne Wood is always a winner.

09:28: “At the end of the day, what we have is a United Kingdom.”  Ian Duncan Smith is clearly hallucinating due to lack of sleep.  A situation we sympathise with.

09:22: Another Labour leadership battle. Joy.

09:18: Miliband already being tipped to stand down.

09:14: Labour playing the “media were all against us” card works less well in Scotland, as do Labour generally.

09:10: “We’re expecting Ed Miliband to say something”…and have been for the entire campaign.

08:59: Even the BBC has given up but despite being sidetracked by Facebook arguments, we’re powering through.

08:38: Cameron to meet Betty at noon to be anointed as leader of the United Kingdom.

08:35: Kevin McKenna makes a fine point, Holyrood would genuinely be better if Scottish Labour decided to bother with it, although whether defeated careerists are the best people to take up a safe Labour listie, we’re not sure.

08:34: The Tories are now 18 seats away from a majority.

08:29: Nicola Sturgeon: “People have voted overwhelming for Scotland’s voice to be heard and for the end of austerity.”

08:28: Nick Clegg’s “heights” were apparently those TV debates i.e. that brief period when people said he was quite nice but didn’t actually vote for him.

08:24: Up and down the land, people will be tweeting “Ed Balls” in his honour.

08:17: Ed Balls loses by an Ed Baw hair in Morley & Outwood, only 422 votes in it.  Not a great night for people called Ed.

08:12: Kipper Mark Reckless loses Rochester & Strood back to the Tories.  Remember when UKIP were supposed to be the story of the election?

08:03: We know Nigel Farage will lose and be forced to resign but again, he will not stay up later than us.

08:00: The Tories are rapidly approaching the finishing line.  First Past the Post hides the fact they’re rising again in Scotland.

07:52: Jesus, an EU referendum.  Almost forgot that was a thing.

07:42: Caroline Lucas wins by nearly 8,000 votes in Brighton Pavilion.  The Green surge has been strong but not nearly strong enough to beat First Past the Post anywhere else.

07:41: 57 seats left to declare.

07:26: Are we done?  We think not.  Plenty more coffee and Ouzo in the tank yet.

07:22: That’s it! 56 seats for the SNP and a wooden spoon for each of the Unionist parties.

07:21: JESSE! JESSE! JESSE FUCKING RAE!

07:19: And congratulations to Humza Yousaf for winning the #SNPout competition, with this smokin’ piece of poutage.

07:15: Congratulations to those behind the hashtag #SNPout for capturing the mood of the nation so well.

07:05: “I’d like to say the police are nothing but an arm of the bourgeoisie”  is a phrase we’ve yet to hear from any candidate.  So many thanks, so few attempts to accurately contextualise the role of the police under capitalist tyranny.  Although maybe George Osbourne wasn’t the most likely person to deliver that message.

06:58: And also the seat which resulted in the best officious letter of the campaign:

06:52: We should point out that the one seat yet to declare, has quite literally the greatest candidate in all the world standing as an independent, Jesse Rae. Yes, that guy with the Claymore who made P-Funk tunes in the 80s.  Legend.

06:47: All the Tory seats are flooding in now.  This is bad news, no doubt.

06:41: How long before someone says, “Bring back Johann Lamont”?

06:37: Completely ignoring the last thing we said…IF the projections are correct, then shock horror, Scotland’s vote will have made no fucking difference whatsoever to the overall result and Labour were just too shit to win.

06:25: Fully aware that the swing suggests a Tory victory but when Labour are still actually winning, why the fuck are the media declaring Cameron the winner?

06:23: South Thanet yet to declare.  We will stay up later than Nigel Farage, he’s not outdoing us.

06:10: Danny Alexander talking about “the flame of Highland liberalism”, which appears to have burnt out.

06:00: Carolyn Leckie wins at piss taking by describing the Unionist MPs as a “troika of Pandas.”

05:55: Oh Danny Boy, the dole, the dole is calling.

05:50: We missed Weekly Wanker Brian Donohoe being voted out.  We don’t think it was on the telly.  Donowho??

05:47: Cameron claims the “One Nation” mantle….but which one will he chose?

05:37: Time to repeat the fact that the Tories have no mandate, again.  We call mutiny, again.

05:34: David Mundell just claimed someone (we’re not sure who) had “no mandate.”  Presumably he means Tories trying to run Scotland.

05:30: We may have to spend most of our adult lives finding out why we hate the newly elected SNP MPs but our childhood baddies have been defeated tonight, so yes, we’re fucking ecstatic.

05:20: “Ed Miliband will be relieved the nationalists aren’t standing in Doncaster North.”

05:18: Former GUU President and lifelong fucking liberal, Charles Kennedy is gone.  GUUDBYE Charlie.

05:16: Yes, we’re still here. What a night/day.

04:56: The Mundell holds Dumfriesshire.  Fans of the chant, “there’s only one Scottish Tory” are safe. For now.

04:53: Nick Clegg thanks ALL the emergency services.  Doubtless, mountain rescue have played a key role in his victory.

04:50: “The party of the working class” now have Edinburgh South.

04:35: English & Scottish politics are exactly the same.  As this picture demonstrates.

04:27: Labour win their first seat in Edinburgh South.  Ian Murray is Scotland’s new panda joke.

04:25: Anne McGuire calls for a “Monk’s vow of silence” from Scottish Labour.  Good call.

04:20: Labour’s Anne Begg, who joined the leader of the National Front in this lovely referendum pic, has lost Aberdeen South to the SNP.

04:18: We missed the vital news that Ian Davidson called for Jim Murphy to resign….

04:15: Shock result of the evening as Alex Salmond undermines democracy by standing for and winning a seat.

04:10: The end of the Sarwar dynasty.  All Glasgow seats now SNP.

03:57: Stewart McDonald humps horrendous Romaphobe Tom Harris in Glasgow South.  Genuinely delighted.

03:55: THIS.

03:47: The SNP quite literally BREAK THE SWINGOMETER in Glasgow North East, it would have been been 39%, if it wasn’t so big it covered up the numbers.

03:45: 2% for our wee pal, UKIP’s pro-fascist candidate Scott Cairns in Coatbridge.  Another £500 of wasted kipper money.

03:37: “The wounded” have bayoneted Ian Davidson in Glasgow South West.
 

03:32:  Jackie Bird has returned to her role as being the one who mysteriously peers out from the back of BBC broadcasts.

03:25: No more liveblog jokes about Ann McKechinin herself.  She’s now gone.

03:22: Margaret Curran is a goner.

03:18: “A hundred years from now, we’ll still be around.” Jim Murphy needs to learn when to stop lying.

03:10: RIGHT. UP. YE.

03:03: Equal Marriage roaster Iain McKenzie shat it there as presiding officer said “one thousand” instead of “thirteen thousand” by mistake.

02:57: Cannabis is safer than the Trade Union & Socialist Coalition in Paisley and Renfrewshire North.

02:53: Former Prime Minister, Gordon Brown’s seat falls to the SNP on a 35% swing. His majority, 23,009.  SNP majority now is over 10,000.

02:47:  Dunbartonshire East is no longer a coalition stronghold.  Jo didnae winson.

02:42: Frank Roy gone in Motherwell & Wishaw, Nats also take East Kilbride.  We might be easier just telling you what the Nats haven’t won, which is nothing so far.

02:40: Glasgow Labour now hiding at the lobby in the count

02:39: TUSC candidate in Dundee trying to sell Stewart Hosie a copy of the Socialist Worker!!

02:35: David Coburn’s crystal ball must be broken

02:31: They’re dropping like flies now – Glenrothes, Dunbartonshire West.

02:24: SNP supporters in Glasgow chanting “all the seats” as Paisley results announced.  A 33% swing to the SNP.

02:20: Striking resemblance between BBC’s seat wall and Blockbusters…

02:17: 26% swing in Kilmarnock and Loudoun.  It’s gonna be a bloodbath.

02:11: First result of the night in Scotland.  SNP gain from Labour in Kilmarnock and Loudoun.  Huge turnout, massive swing.

02:09: More from the sooth sayer archives:

02:06: Nicola Sturgeon & A Thousand Flowers both arriving at the Glasgow count!

02:00: Yet more images of Douglas Alexander & Mhairi Black staring at pictures of willies and swastikas on ballot papers.

01:56: Tavish Scott is somewhere between grey and transparent.  Remember Tavish Scott?

01:51: Kezia tells us how East Enders need a Labour Government.  Do we aye??

01:49: Wee Dougie looks like he’s shiting himself, in fairness, so does Mhairi Black.

01:37: Two people have already left our party.  Apparently they’re “workers” but that’s what Labour stooges always say.

01:35: Michael McCann tells Catriona Renton, “I don’t need to talk to you, I’m not a politician any more.”

01:33: STV reporting Scottish Labour have conceded defeat in ALL Glasgow seats.  We’d rather wait and gloat when it actually happens.

01:29: Exclusive first sighting of Sturgeon arriving at the count in the natcopter:

01:25: Just gonnae leave this here.

01:21: Word on the street is that Gordon Matheson has LEFT the Glasgow count.  We’ll definitely go and check.

01:14: Lib Dems Tooting away more cash as they lose another deposit.

01:08: Michael McCann has deleted his Twitter.  A great loss we’re sure.

01:05: Brian Taylor recounting the many tales of ex-Falkirk MP, Eric Joyce.  Our version here.

01:04: Brace yourself for whiney Labour arseholes bemoaning the fact the entire country has fallen to nationalism.

01:02: Putney is still Tory.  Still nothing of any note.

00:58: BBC showing live pictures of people eating, instead of counting the fucking votes so we can have something to talk about.

00:56: Kezia Dugdale’s wee face.  That is all.

00:48:  And at least CISTA have a vaguely accurate name.

00:41: Exit polls showing Cannabis is Safer than Alcohol (CISTA) are tied with Scottish Labour on seat count.

00:37: Before any Nats get too comfortable, we’d like to remind you that Gordon Wilson is a total wankstain.

00:36: Rumours there are lots of Yes votes in the Murphy pile.  We knew they’d turn up.

00:33: Still only 3 seats announced.  We currently live in a Labour One Party State.

00:20: Labour councillor says Labour are “toast” in Glasgow South.  Good riddance Tom Harris, you rotal toaster.

00:15: 75.5% turnout in Dougie Alexander’s seat in Paisley and Renfrewshire South apparently.

00:13: Who’s counting the votes in Glasgow?? #the55 aren’t gonnae be happy about this.

00:08: We’re gutted not to be a voter in South Lanarkshire or have visited the dentist recently.  No stickers for us.

00:07: When we’re in charge, everyone will vote in pills.

00:03: Apparently, a tablet was found in a ballot box in Aberdeen.  Someone’s buzzin at the count.

00:00: And here’s how it will go down on STV, according to a sample of us.

7th May 2015:

23:55: Our projection of what the BBC coverage might look like:

23:49: Only 3 seats declared and already the Lib Dems have lost a grand and a half.

23:45: In other news, there are lots of other rumours we’ve yet to speculate on.  Let’s just say the Greens are beating Murphy & Al Murray looks to take South Thanet.  More on what people are making up as they do.

23:42: Speaking of Paul Mason, he’s just reported that Glasgow North East, the “safest Labour leader seat” is looking good for the SNP.  Is this the end of the People’s Willie??? [Bain]

23:40: Jackie Baillie is on STV.  We have lots of Baillies.

23:38: The last time we sent someone to a count, C4’s Paul Mason stole his booze.

23:35: Rumour has it the SNP have won the postal vote in Rutherglen and Hamilton West.  Ruth Davidson’s at the BBC.  Coincidence???

23:34: Weighing up sending someone to the count in Glasgow, purely to take pictures of Labour looking sad.

23:31: Odd that the BBC seem to be suggesting the SNP will win Falkirk.  Scotland’s sooth sayer David Coburn called that for UKIP, we believe.

23:23: Sorry, I’ve been smoking & making this.  There are no results except Sunderland, where Labour win, still.

 

22:54 Since we’ve had 1 whole result, it’s time to call for a mutiny in the event the Tories can’t form a majority Government.  Might as well get that in early.

22:51: It’s that part of the night when all the safe, urban Labour seat gets called.  Greens beat the Lib Dems into last place in Sunderland South.

22:49: Most of the people on the BBC look like there in the wrong aspect ratio.

22:46: Wee cameo from John Swinney there, Deputy Headmaster of Scotland.

22:44: Not surprisingly, the top of the wanted list are the Scottish Labour MPs who went to Westminster in an attempt to stop Equal Marriage in England & Wales.  #YESHOMO

22:36: Exit polls in East Renfrewshire suggest Jim Murphy will be re-elected with a clear majority after an excellent turnout of 130%.

22:32: At the last General Election, not a single Scottish seat changed hands compared with the previous one.  Exactly fuck all chance of that tonight.

22:22: Exit polls suggest 58 SNP seats and just 10 Lib Dems across the whole UK.  Let’s wildly speculate about who has a better opinion about how wrong that definitely is for at least the next hour.

22:17: Disturbing reports we’ll be stuck listening to Ruth Davidson & Willie Rennie all night

22:11: Well, we’re here/queer/not going away etc. etc.  It’s gonnae be a long night but the drinks cabinet is well stocked.  We’re compiling our most wanted list as we speak…and it’s also very long.

00:00: Join us from 10pm(ish) tonight for insightful/inciteful analysis of the results as they unfold and the almost guaranteed bayoneting of the political wounded.

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