By James Alexander McDaid
HONORARY PRESIDENT OF THE LABOUR4COMMUNISM STUDENTS SOCIETY
Arise ye starvlings and all hail his egg-cellency!
As our rulers celebrate the coronation of that Nicola Sturgeon, we in the workers’ party prepare for the selection of the district leader of our party/class. It’s unclear why the working man should be getting excited about the First Minister of the present, when only Scottish Labour can offer us the First Minister of the Future.
Only one man can crack the bourgeois shell of Scottish politics and make the nationalists scramble and his name is James Francis Murphy, Future First Minister. No man has struggled against Holyrood and its bourgeois universalism more than Comrade Murphy, having fought against the principle of free education throughout his life. As President of our most noble National Union of Students, Murphy proved he had the best interests of his constituents at heart, by supporting tuition fees and purging the NUS of any who deviated from the true path of the party of our class. He then progressed to put his “struggle of paying for classes” theory into practice (that’s praxis comrades, LOOK IT UP) by voting to introduce the fees in government which he had campaigned for as a student leader.
Everyone knows students are dead left-wing and after a mere 9 years at university, we’re sure Jim had pretty much gone full Marx and he certainly never, EVER sold out those he represented by joining the intelligentsia/actually getting a degree. Only Comrade Murphy has refused to rule out restoring our party’s great legacy of tuition fees across this whole United Kingdom. If you don’t think that’s fair, it must be because you’re just a narrow nationalist.
Jim is not a nationalist of course but an internationalist, having ensured revolutionary discipline in his role as a parliamentary whip during our great struggle to overthrow the ruling class of Iraq. Only Comrade Murphy would be guaranteed to support each and every struggle of the people’s militia against any nation which lacks the true democracy of being able to all vote for Scottish Labour in a calm and orderly manner.
As every feminist knows, behind every good Marxist is a woman who understands that all oppression is class oppression and doesn’t do anything too hasty, like challenging for actual leadership. Leaving the Boyackites to one side (by and for themselves), there is a shining beacon of true socialism in the definitely-not-darkness of Scottish Labour and while our Future First Minister has been keen to stress that this is NOT a joint-ticket and has NOT been putting #Kezia4Deputy stickers on loads of lampposts, the opportunity to elect a cadre of the calibre of Comrade Dugdale is too good to miss. We should be proud to stick our stickers to the mast/lamppost/on shops/people’s cars, I know I will be!
But whoever is elected, we are confident the history of all struggles hitherto will not be repeated. Jim Murphy may have unconstitutionally sacked his deputy while running the NUS but we know our Deputy Future First Minister will never fly too close to his eternal sun!
Speaking of lack of discipline and obedience to our leader, the ultra-leftists continue to undermine the unity of our Great British Labour and Trade Union Movement, having dared to question whether our Future First Minister is the best man for the job. What care we for the trade union bureaucracy who seek only to negotiate the terms of our oppression? So I say to the Musicians Union – Vote for Neil Findlay, in fact, why not withhold your labour and see if anyone notices? Unison? The union for those who want to put a sticking plaster over the wounds of capitalism. Unite? More like DISunite! And don’t get me started on the RMT, NUM, CWU, GMB, TSSA, UCATT etc. etc. Only comrade Murphy can put an end to class collaborationist bureaucrats by never listening to the unions ever again.
While some walk on the parliamentary road to socialism, only Jim Murphy will resist the ruling class on the streets and in our communities. Why would we send our leader to a bourgeois parliament? To vote for the Tory welfare cap? To sublet a flat and claim the rent on expenses? NEVER! If stoating about on Irn Bru crates proved anything, it’s that our Future First Minister knows he belongs not in some parliament but amongst the people, so we are thankful that the latest polling data suggests he might remain amongst the people for a long, long time.
So whether you’re a student who benefitted from tuition fees, a worker fighting against union bureaucracy or you just can’t abide that Nicola Sturgeon, only a vote for Jim Murphy can ensure Scottish Labour remain hard-boiled in the class struggle.
Let’s keep the egg flag flying and vote to free ourselves from the yoke of capitalist tyranny once and for all.
Moron Scottish Labour here:
All Hail the People’s Princess!
UNDEAD LABOUR: A HALLOWEEN HORROR
WEEKLY WANKER #038: JIM MUPRHY
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