When someone over at Better Together HQ came up with the slogan “Best of both worlds,” it looked destined to be yet another “UKOK” movement; what was supposed to demonstrate the benefits of union instead demonstrated the problem. The government with a mandate has no power, the one with the power has no mandate. We got better decisions on smaller issues and terrible decisions on bigger ones. We can’t hold the SNP to account, we can just clap when they say nice words about things they don’t control. We can’t hold the Tories to account, we can just stand around hoping that continuing to never, ever vote for them means they’ll magically vanish. It’s the worst bits of everything, from a political point of view.
It turns out that “best of both worlds” may be a lot more literal. What if all that’s protecting us from whole OTHER WORLDS of horror is being part of the UK? In the exclusive report, we reveal 5 tales of cosmic terror, which our sources at Better Together have reliably informed us may be awaiting, in the event we vote Yes in September.
1. Space Raiders
Less corn based snacks, more intergalactic attacks – that’s the plan when the Nats get their way. It was revealed last week that as well as looking at/selling massive guns around the world, Philip Hammond may just be protecting us from (as yet unspecified) SPACE ATTACKS and after independence…well…that’s classified and stuff. When your claim is reported in the Daily Mail as a scare story, you’ve reached a whole new level of interplanetary stupidity.
2. Rogue Soldiers
It’s not clear why the MoD would need to summon their hordes from the outer reaches of their Cling-on Empire, since Philip Hammond has already suggested there may be a threat much closer to home. According to the flawless logic that Scotland gets none of its assets, we’ve previously been warned that all the BRITISH soldiers from Scotland will automatically be the exclusive preserve of the London Government, since they obviously wouldn’t want to protect that smelly Yes voting place they’re actually from. Our totally apolitical Army would become foreign combatants in our midst. And why would the Westminster Government protect us should they go rogue?
If that sounds like a threat, that’s because it basically was.
3. Scotland OUT of Britain OUT of Europe
Where would an independent Scotland even go? We’re leaving Britain, the landmass to which we’ve been attached for some time and also being “kicked out” of Europe. It’s a truly puzzling question, even the BBC can’t seem to comprehend.
It’s vital not to consider that the political party which may win the forthcoming European election would actually like
Britain England to physically remove itself from Europe, which is full of anti-smoking campaigners and foreigners.
It’s pretty clear an independent Scotland wouldn’t be welcome in Britain, Europe or the Commonwealth. Rumours we could just float off and join Norway have been condemned as “the ramblings of McThird Way social democrats who’re probably covered in crumbs and cat hair” by our sources.
4. Time Zone Terror
Not content with having a separate government/landmass, there are reliable reports doing the rounds that Yes meetings are still starting an hour late, as nationalists refuse to recognise “British Summer Time.”
Every time the clocks change, we’re reminded that Scotland & England may choose to occupy a different time zone after independence. It’s a fact known only to Boris Johnson that Scots actually STEAL TIME from London under the current arrangement and the SNP have thus far been silent as to how this time deficit would be funded. Never mind Gordon Brown telling us about the black hole in our pension pot (which a big boy not called Gordon Brown did and then ran away), what about the black hole we’d rip in the space-time continuum? On the plus side, Gretna Green’s economy, currently over dependent on the child bride industry, could be diversified to cater for the time tourist market, assuming they make it past the guards at Hadrian’s portal.
5. The Empires Strike Back
Nob(le) Baron Robertson of Port Ellen AKA George is a man who’s considered something of a sooth sayer in Scottish politics, having predicted that devolution would “kill nationalism stone dead.” Honing his killer instinct as General Secretary of NATO, he’s no stranger to the inner workings of evil empires. So his warning that the “forces of darkness would simply love it” if Scotland votes yes must be taken seriously. If we were to dare to weaken the great power of the Western war machine by not constantly sending our citizens to die in its defence, how could we guarantee our security? It’s pretty clear the only way to stay safe is to stay in the UK and to keep on fighting. The Empire expects – and if we fuck with it, it might get pretty nasty, CATACLYSMIC even.
The end of the world is probably a fitting end to our tour of the incomprehensible intergalactic nonsense that Better Together have been shooting out their light tadgers over the last few months. If you’re even contemplating voting Yes, just remember there could be a whole new world out there and you’d better be really fucking scared of it.
Top 5 Silly Season Independence Related Irrelevancies
Vote No or we’ll shoot: Hammond’s military intervention in Scotland
Redefining security and intelligence in an independent Scotland
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