So, we’re weren’t planning to do this but we’re bored and about to be drunk, so it’s almost definitely a good idea. Feel free to press F5 to probably get updates about what you saw 5 minutes ago on the. BBC.
Friday 19th September
06:28: We’re gonnae bow out, since we’ve come full circle. Scotland is not any more independent than when the night began, nor does Danny Alexander look any less like a giant finger with hair. We’ll leave you with our eternal slogan.
06:23: “Let us dwell on the distance we have travelled.”
06:18: Salmond: Scotland expects more powers, “in rapid course.”
06:16: Eck takes the stage.
06:10: “45% is more than we’d get for any of the other things we think” – truefax.
06:08: That’s officially it. As if we didn’t know that about 5 hours ago. Acht well.
06:07: Fife: Yes:114148 No: 138788
06:04: New national anthem?
06:02: And that Kaiedoscot poll put LGBTI Scots as 85% Yes. So we’re throwing “straight people” into the responsibility ring.
05:59: That map is depressing. However, we have heard that not only did all the wards in Glasgow go Yes but the one far too many of us live in was the most Yes. So when the blame game begins, bagsie not us.
05:57: Aberdeenshire: Yes: 71337 No: 108606
05:55: Argyll & Bute: Yes: 16324 No: 37143
05:53: Edinburgh: Yes: 123927 No: 194638
05:33: We should have quit when someone said, “the balloon is in the piss” just after Clackmannanshire came in. Then again, you can tell it’s a decent party when no-one flinches at that statement.
05:31: Willie Johnston in Dumfries, it’s not quite Dick Stiff in Angus but it’s hard to keep up the penal puns at this hour.
05:28: Rumour has it, every constituency in Glasgow voted Yes.
05:20: Coburn’s on ITV now, he doesn’t look tired. He looks the type who doesn’t sleep and spends a month a year hanging upside down in a cave.
05: 17: We’re powering through. I’d be here if it was the Euros to be honest. Just here for the graphs and Scotch pie charts from this point.
05:07: East Ayrshire: Yes: 39762 No: 44442
05:05: South Ayrshire: Yes: 34402 No: 47247
04:58: North Ayrshire: Yes: 47072 No: 49016
04:57: “A protest vote about the conditions in which people live” – Lord Reid totes get it. Bit late.
04:55: Borders Vote: Yes: 27906 No: 55553
04: 53: Chants of “Glasgow! Glasgow! Glasgow!” from the count – a brand of nationalism we’d be inclined to endorse at the moment.
04: 52: Glasgow…Yes: 194779 No: 169347
04:45: We are/have lost…in case you’re wondering. Probably glad the Perth count was inaudible.
04:44: North Lanarkshire declared for Yes!
04:42: Glasgow coming in 10 mins…will it join the WestDumbartondee Free State?
04:41: It’s been fun watching everyone else get bitter tonight. Welcome to the Cabal.
04:36: And when it couldn’t get worse…Sheridan. Over the STV then.
04:35: “Spate” is a good word for these results. Punishment.
04:33 East Dumbartsonshire: Yes: 30624 No: 48314
04:32: East Renfrewshire: Yes: 24287 No: 41690
04: 31: We missed Aberdeen but it was shite anyway.
04:29: Dumfries: Yes: 36614 No:70039
04:26: Dick says no. Angus: Yes: 35044 No: 45192
04:25: Counting Officer Richard Stiff in Angus. Richard. Stiff.
04:24: Arch-Unionist, former Celtic chairman and notorious stoner (allegedly, well they found hash in his house once), Lord Reid talking baws now.
04:22: Results coming in thick and fast, we were within 1000 for a minute, now not so much.
04:20: Falkirk: Yes: 50489 No: 58030
04: 18: Stirling: Yes: 25010 No: 37153
04:16: East Lothian: Yes: 27467 No: 44283
04:11: Midlothian: Yes: 263370 No: 33972
04:09: West Dumbartonshire: Yes: 33720 No: 28776
04:06: “I can deal with the despair, it’s the hope that kills me”
03:58; 6000 votes in it. Sturgeon just walked into Glasgow Count to cheers. Could we actually still do this? Can we endure more crushing disappointment?? Did I just have 2 coffees??? YES! YES! YES!
03:56 Renfrewshire: Yes: 55466 No: 62067
03:54: We always be loving Dundee. Yes: 53620 No: 39880. Dundee Free State.
03:51: Baddie Hunting 3: Loyalists & Labour Councillor Yvonne Kucuk (far-right…oh the irony)
03:38: Better Together party. OMG. We look better having had our hearts ripped out. Imagine if that was you happy.
03:36: Inverclyde Declaration: Yes: 27243, No: 27329, Yes: 49.9%. A baw hair away but another nay,
03:28 – in defence of Devo Max, it would be a good name for a dog.
03:27 – If constitutional settlements were dinners, Devo Max is a Rustlers burger. It’s better than eating a piece n jobby, but is it really that satisfying? We’ll see.
03:21 – We’re basically back to where we were a couple of weeks ago. As long as Yes doesn’t get slaughtered, we’ll have a platform to keep grumbling for the next 10 years. Narrower than 55-45 looks a more realistic target.
03:06: The Deep State certainly don’t seem to want the Dundee declaration to go ahead. ANOTHER fire alarm.
03:03: The real winner here is whoever figures out what Jackie Bird is doing.
03:01: Western Isles Declaration: Yes 9195, No: 10544, Yes: 47%
02:57: Baddie hunting number 2: Britannica fash taking selfies
02:55: Baddie hunting number 1: David Meikle
02:53: We’re knuckled down for a long night at the count:
02:51 – We’ve had 3 out of 32 areas declaring. If it was a football match we’d only be 9 minutes in. And I’m always at least 15 minutes late for everything. So lalala shutup stop talking I can’t hear you nay-sayers.
02:46 – John Swinney going bald with the stress of it all. I’d be raging too if I’d polished my head especially for the big night.
02:43 – Shetland declares. 5669 Yes 9951 No. We just heard the neighbours groaning. Not in a sexy way.
02:41 – Despite the fact we have only heard declarations from 2 local authorities, the recriminations have started in earnest. So far we’ve got lizard people rigging votes on Sky News (“there’s a Yes vote in a No pile”) – a mix-up which has been clarified by Yes Dundee – and folk cursing the feckless Glaswegians for their laziness in delivering a record-high 75% turnout. Play nice.
02:10: Jackie Bird hiding at the back…
02:02: Orkney announced: 4883 Yes, 10004 No, 33% Yes. As expected really. Still not getting excited by “two diddy counts.”
01:55: 75% turnout in Glasgow. A figure the nation is now analysing fuck out of while we await more numbers.
01:52: BBC reporting “bammy” night in George Square, George Square reporting “posh wanks” at the Beeb.
01:50: Who wants to go on a journey with Johann? Yikes.
01:37: Speaking of roasters and homophobes, David Coburn now on the Beeb. Joy.
01:32: “a bit early to concede” says (notorious homophobe) Gordon Wilson. Yes it is pal, we’re less than 3000 votes down, with 1 declaration.
01:28: Clackmannanshire declares: Yes: 16350 No: 19036. 46% for Yes.
01:17: Dundee count evacuated due to fire alarm. Democracy on fire etc. etc.
01:24: We’re hedging our bets with the bevvy – buckfast and milk, a balanced choice. Wonder what we chose today. Hopefully not sour milk.
01:15: First declarations now “imminent” “soon” and “shortly” depending on your choice of media outlet. The nation shites it – or worries that they already have.
01:07: Re: the earlier paranoid outburst
00:57: Announcement from Clackmannanshire. Someone actually went onto a platform to state the results would be available “in due course”. Riveting.
00:52: Twitter going crazy over a picture of a Yes vote in the No pile. Let’s keep the tinfoil nat hats off folks, for now anyway.
00:45: Sky & Daily Record reporting electoral fraud in Glasgow as some voters turned up to be told they had already voted. It amounts to an alleged 10 votes.
00:39: Twitter reporting that Dundee is 95% Yes. If we confuse turnout and the Yes vote all night, we’ll probably win!!
00:34: BREAKING NEWS FROM THE COUNT: C4’s Paul Mason just finished our correspondent’s whisky. Maybe he’ll give us some news in exchange but we don’t think there is any.
00:30: BBC looks a bit like a shit episode of Star Trek with Brian Taylor at the bridge.
00:22: “I will have a full blown tantrum in the next half hour” – it’s all getting too much in the Flower household.
00:17: “Low grade intelligence” from Aberdeen that Salmond will or won’t be at the Count.
00:12: We’ve sent a Flower to the Glasgow count, to find out how people are responding to the lack of news there.
00:07: Henry McLeish, the great muddler is still muddling on voting no, apparently. The turnout is high. News remains low.
00:00: They keep playing the clip of Jim Murphy “warning” us to get ready to have to run things. I think that might have been the point.
Thursday 18th September
23:53: BBC have sent a reporter without a functioning microphone to the Yes Scotland party. BRITISH BIASED CORPORPATION, amirite??!?
23:50: BREAKING – BBC have an update regarding the status of the ballot boxes. Some of them have arrrived, while others have not. More as it comes in…..
23:49: Here’s our projection of how tonight’s exciting STV coverage will unfold.
23:45: Alastair Darling reckons the No side have won. This from a man who looks like a GP but somehow isn’t – how can we possibly trust anything he comes out with?
23:21pm: Discussion now turns to how Obama likes nuclear weapons and cannon fodder. Not news though. American news has of course been superior to the biased coverage we’ve had here:
23:19pm: Are we going to be spending the evening talking about whether Scotland will be an unbroken member (of the EU)? Ball breaking exciting now, still no news though.
23:10pm: So, not much going down the now. Danny Alexander looks like a finger, Gerry Adams refuses to lend explicit support to Yes (whevz) but we are exciting that Brian Taylor will be spending the evening hopping around an interactive map. Very excited.