Spotted Dicks: The Creeps at Glasgow Uni

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A Guest Post by Unpleasant Vixen

Notes – check. Laptop – check. Copious noisy snacks – check. Immaculate appearance – check. Before venturing into Glasgow Uni library, every female must make sure that she wields all of these. Of course, the last one on the list is of utmost importance. Why? Because we owe it to the male dwellers of the library to look fantastic, don’t we?!

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What my study plan looks like

Wouldn’t that just be abysmal if someone really did think that…oh wait, that happened. On Tuesday night I was quite contently not-studying on Facebook, when the good ol’ “Spotted: Glasgow Uni Library” graced my newsfeed. Now, I’m sure most of us are very familiar with the usual perverted undertones on the Spotted page. The standard post tends to be something not dissimilar to “To the girl on level 3 studying physics – I’d like to get physical with you.” Okay that was terrible but they usually are fucking terrible. This is of course problematic because it is essentially converting the library, an academic space into a non-consensual dating environment. Ever since the dawn of this Facebook page I have been reluctant to enter for fear of a sweating, palpitating, greasy young man peering at me from the gap between computers to gather an accurate description of my face to send to the admin of Spotted…

Anyway! Yes, back to the event that has spurred this post. When I noticed Spotted’s status I glanced over it expecting it to be much of the same old. Instead, they took their shit to a whole new level. In the place of the usual desperate, foaming-at-the-mouth plea for female attention, was a very open message to all of the women who come into the library, ever. How inclusive!

It read:

To All of the Girls: Usually at this time of year you stop making an effort to look nice due to the increasing pressure of imminent exams and the constant onslaught of freshers’ cocks you have taken over the course of the first semester. But this year I am very glad to say that the overall standard has been consistent and incredibly high. I just wanted to mention my appreciation (and I’m sure I’m not alone here) of the eye candy that has helped me through the hard weeks of study so far this year and for the rest of the hard weeks to come!

I’ll give you a few minutes to just let that sink in. Go and shove the kettle on, I’ll take milk no sugar.

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WELL THEN. WHERE SHALL WE START? Firstly, I can only imagine the calibre of gentleman that must have sent this in (it may be nasty and wicked of me to assume that a guy submitted this, but if it turns out that it was a girl then I promise you that I will eat a full packet of baby wipes, okay?). But I do know one thing for certain; they are a straight up piece of shit. I have no idea whether this is supposed to be under the guise of a “compliment”, but if it is they certainly fuck that up with the utterly beguiling corker of a statement that is “onslaught of fresher’s cocks”. I mean, that’s exactly what a girl wants to hear isn’t it. “You’re looking good considering the amount of fellatio you’ve been administering”. How would one even reply to that, I have no idea.

So yeah, I’m not made of stone so when I read that catastrophe I naturally turned into fucking Godzilla and got started typing my reply, calling the page out and requesting them to remove the status. In utter naivety, I half expected the admin to be somewhat apologetic, and comply with my wish. But then of course I remembered that he had to approve the message in the first place so that was rather optimistic on my part. Instead, I was called a killjoy (that old chestnut, I don’t know about you but I’m actually starting to warm to that term, I’m only ever called it when I’m trying to get positive shit done so whatev) and told to fuck off. RUDE. Anyway, the “onslaught” (that word is sort of ruined for me now) of verbal abuse continued towards me and in true LAD style, the commenters attempted to silence the vocal female by calling me ugly…GASP. At that very moment my world came crashing down around my feet (not really, that could have been dangerous with bits of roof and shit).

lr4Things have advanced since then, with my comment racking up more ‘likes’ than the original status – yeah, it did give me an intoxicating sense of power! I won’t lie to you! But in all seriousness this minor victory doesn’t really scratch the surface of what needs to be done. Spotted: Glasgow Uni Library, while its origins may have been innocent (this is to make you feel better if you’ve liked the page already – don’t worry pal I did too) has become not much more than an online hub for creepy, sex-starved guys to anonymously voice their desires for women whom they OBVIOUSLY (and quite fucking rightly) see as 100% unobtainable. The status that set fire to the rain (I’m not quite sure why that was relevant but Adele <3) was really just a symbolic accumulation of every dodgy piece of crap that has been carelessly plastered up on their page. Fucking unlike their page, there really is no excuse not to – and if your reply is “aww but it’s funny tho” – I’m sorry, that doesn’t fly. I can count about three mildly amusing posts by Spotted: GU Library, one of them was just a photo of a mouse and we can’t count on another one of them. We just can’t.

An interesting theory that my friend and I have is that the admin feeds off of the stories he gets sent, absorbing them, then at night feverishly pleasures himself to the idea of creepy guys being creepy. He then shouts “LOVE MEEE!! WHY WON’T YOU TOUCH ME?! I JUST WANT TO SPEAK TO GIRLS BUT I’M HIDEOUS”. Afterwards he cries himself to sleep, resting up for the next big day of sitting in the dark approving questionable predatory posts sent in by his brethren.

The great thing is, I am so certain that our theory is correct. *shudder*.

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Further Reading:

GUUdbye ya pricks!

Sisters are doing it to themselves, apparently

No Love in this club

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7 responses to “Spotted Dicks: The Creeps at Glasgow Uni

  1. You’re a bloody good writer!! I love your style, really witty and relevant!
    (I saw that comment too, and I ‘liked’ yours – well done for calling them out!) xxx

  2. Is there any way this could be reported to the university/a large enough newspaper that the university would take notice?

  3. At Aberdeen Uni, the spotted pages were removed with help from the university and police. Hopefully the posts on the Glasgow Uni ones aren’t as horrific as some on the AU ones, but it may be worth checking through if folk have the stamina (or are actual rocks).

  4. I like the article, it makes a relevant point in an entertaining way. The satire (i’m hoping that’s what you were going for) of their humour was a nice touch – as it was pretty base and not that funny. However, censorship isn’t usually a good thing.

  5. Thoroughly enjoyed this.
    These pages need removed. As far as I’m aware, the University of Strathclyde seen to it that the one set up there was taken down (even its reboot version :|). It’s disgraceful that alot of the time this is all seen as ‘banter’ when really, it just makes me nervous to go somewhere I’d previously felt at ease.

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