You may have noticed it’s been a little slow roon these parts recently, as almost everyone has vacated A Thousand Flowers towers for their summer holidays. We’ve been living it up in such far flung, exotic, glamorous locations as Alaska, Barcelona, Alloa and St John’s Town of Dalry. Soon you can celebrate our return to crushing minimum wage drudgery and the attendant procrastination which produces all your essential floral reading, but to keep you going in the mean time here’s our top 5 favourite things that have happened this week:
5. I’m Out
We’re so glad Ciara is back, and after barely giving us enough time for a cold shower with the amazing Body Party (rinsing that happy hardcore remix hard) she’s dropped another fix of rip your cock off powerful female sexuality – featuring the incomparable Nicki Minaj
Hit them with the back shots, hit them with the ass shots
Take them to the bank then I hit them with the cash drops
I do it big, I hit them with the caps lock
I’m gonna ball, I hit them with the mascot
No I never been there, but I like to Bangkok
Big fat titties when they hangin out my tank top
4. Philip Schofield’s face
This Morning had Apprentice-losing windbag Katie Hopkins on AGAIN this week for another dose of predictably OTT class snobbery, giving rise to this exchange:
3. Our favourite kind of nationalism – GIRUY nationalism
Spare me giving a fuck about tennis, but it’s pretty fuckin tidy when your First Minister trolls your Prime Minister and all of hypocritical Unionist Britain in the most simple but effective way on live telly that pretty much everyone and (especially) their granny is watching.
We’re not sure what’s better – Salmond’s giant fleg behind Cameron’s unknowing, soulless husk of a heid, the strawberries and cream imperialism iz gr8 brigade getting all like “how dare you wave a flag in public” while literally shrouded in the butcher’s apron, or the fact that Salmond had to clarify that in fact he hadn’t been storing the Saltire up his hole throughout the entire match
Ed “what even is my life?” Miliband
2. This amazing women-only Heatwave mix
Women are consistently making some of the best and filthiest (same thing ano) dancehall out there, and London crew The Heatwave have just dropped this mix bringing together some of the finest to celebrate summertime inna yuh scheme.
See ye at Carnival!
1. THIS FUCKING PICTURE OF BLUE IVY CARTER
Well that should keep you going for now, we’ll be resuming normal service as soon as is humanly possible given we’re barely human. Don’t forget we’re always on the lookout for guest posts so if you have something relevant you feel the need to get off your chest, send it to our quality control inspectors over at firstname.lastname@example.org
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