As the referendum campaign hots up, I offer my five top tips for the Better Together campaign:
1. Flex Your Guns
If the pollsters and the statisticians are to be believed (and they usually are), women will play a crucial role in the result of the independence referendum. The other target audience is progressively minded traditionally Labour voters. If there’s one thing that women and progressively minded people love it’s MASSIVE GUNS. These weak individuals will be compelled to remain part of the UK by shows of strength. If that doesn’t work, keep talking about how much money you waste paying arms dealers like BAE and sending young folk to die all over the world in your wars. To ram home this point, Tory politicians in general and David Cameron in particular should regularly continue to visit Scotland. They should repeatedly tell us how huge nuclear weapons 20 minutes away from where we live means we’re definitely safe. Please also mention that terrorists and despots never, ever target well armed nuclear countries like the US and Britain. And stick to facts like “THE UK ARMED FORCES ARE THE BEST IN THE WORLD.“
2. Expand your Multimedia Platform
It’s the 21st century, so adverts in broadsheets and press conferences just won’t cut it. Continue to be visible on facebook delivering facts like how much the UK’s AAA credit rating (now a relic of history) benefits Scots and then how the AAA rating delivered no protection whatsoever anyway. Follow the example of campaign director, Rob Murray, and take to twitter to tell the povs how funny it is that your cutting welfare and throwing people out on the streets with your policies. And please, please, please deliver us more Ryans. People like Ryan will motivate the new YouTube generation to realise that we should remain in the UK because we say “wee” even when we’re just excusing the fact that we’re having another massive chocolate bar or our 4th fag before breakfast. Pointing out the difference between a Roll & Sausage and a Sausage Roll (two items which do not exist as separate entities south of the border) demonstrates to the yoof just how much you get it.
3. Continue the rightwards lurch
Why make the debate about all this cosy stuff? Who gives a shit about welfare or looking after the vulnerable anyway? You wants bloody public servants teaching our kids or looking after our parents or sweeping our streets or keeping our sports facilities open? Bloody Bravehearts that’s who! A much more sensible way to ensure the people of Scotland know you are on their side is to say that actually you quite like the battering they’re getting. Public sector? Whatever! Scottish people love the idea that they have a really right wing history based on being nasty to each other and bullying the weak. Red Clydeside? Red, White & Blue Clydeside more like! The notion that Scotland votes for more progressive politics than Westminster is clearly all just Nat nonsense. Now Labour in Scotland have kicked the old ideas like free education or social justice into touch it’s time we made this a right-left issue. So appeal to our sense of love for the Tories attacking the poor. We dare you.
4. Better Together or not at all
Debate? What debate? Continue to remove the propaganda of your enemies. This approach will ensure you are seen as a benevolent force protecting the people of Scotland from nasty things they shouldn’t see. It is important to expand the security apparatus to ensure anyone who deviates from the national policy is criminalised. You must continue to ensure that the Polis intensely monitor the activities of everyone who looks like they might be some sort of hippy long hair Sturgeonite. Great care should be taken to remove all trace of your existence from websites which are unfavourable. Defy the shortbread tin brigade with their so called “fair use” laws. “Comment?” “Criticism?” Treachery more like. We’re not British because we take comment or criticsm [see Tip 1].
5. Diversity is Strength
Continue to project your message in a diverse voice. This is your strength above all else. To represent this, you will require not just the Gordon Browns of this world but also the Tony Blairs. Ensure your ambassadors embody the spirit of modern Britain. This spectrum must range all the way from old grey men like Jim Wallace to old grey men with black eyebrows like Alistair Darling. And don’t forget the British upper class! Why send just David Cameron? I‘d love to hear what Jacob Rees-Mogg thinks about Scotland being independent. Maybe Boris could sound out Scotland as a firm support base for his future premiership of our United Kingdom. No show of diversity could be complete without one of time honoured traditions of the UK – the English lady. So if you’re out there Maggie; we’d all love you to come to George Square and tell us why we’re all better for having been your weans.